I'll be honest with you, this week was not my best. My last blog post was actually supposed to go up 5 days before it did and a lot of other things also didn't happen the way they were supposed to.
To give you an idea of what I mean: yesterday I showed up to class one hour late for the second time.
I had a conversation with my new friend, Hayden, the other day; I told her what was going on and that I was starting to get concerned that I had fallen into the bad habit of overcommitting myself again. The conversation really helped. Hayden asked me how much time I was spending on my commitments. I told her I was spending 4 hours everyday studying for the MCAT exam (while taking 4 classes in a language I only learnt two years ago), spending 1 hour every day at the gym, and volunteering at a hospital. All this was also while we were trying to adjust to a new place and new people. Hayden responded with, "It absolutely makes sense that you're overwhelmed!"
Hayden has also (God bless her heart) reached out multiple times to ask how I'm doing and to tell me that she admired my commitment and my positive perspective. Without going too off-topic, I just want to appreciate her and all the people who have spoken to me and encouraged me when they can. If you know anything about me you'll know I am always challenging myself (sometimes by choice haha) and I truly believe the support I receive is what keeps me strong. I am beyond grateful for the people in my life. Not only the ones that have been with me for years but also the ones who come go and still manage to have a lasting effect on me during the short times I know them - whether its for a week or even a day. I am sure you have also had that kind of impact on someone without realizing it - so thank you. Thank you for choosing love and kindness - even if it's for a stranger… you have no idea how much it could encourage them.
Okay back to the story: I have been falling behind on a couple of things and until Hayden said something, I had been pretty hard on myself about it. Although it's unusual for me to feel this disorganized in the second week of class, it's actually quite common to "fall of track." To miss a workout or two, to forget about a commitment I made or an assignment I was supposed to do, to sleep an hour or two later than I had planned. Not only is it normal, it's part of life. I think that this year I want to be more conscious of that and have a kind of system to fall back on whenever I slip up. I'm starting by journaling in this blog a couple of things that usually help so that I (or you) can come back to them when needed.
Recognizing the triggers
More often than not, our habits are cyclical. What this means is that there's usually a common theme when we slip-up or fall of track. A common weakness, if you will, that usually creeps up when things are going a little too well. The tricky thing is that we might need to reflect on our patterns a little to notice it. Is it a certain day of the week that our motivation is usually low? What things happen that day that are different?
Is there a certain part of our routine that everything else centers on? In The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg calls these things "keystone habits." They are special types of habits that can dictate other habits and impact our behavior, mood and motivation. It's like almost all your other habits hinge on your keystone habits; they provide structure to your day or week. One common example is exercise. When most people start exercising, it usually affects their work, their diet, their energy and other parts of their lives. Could it be that when you miss a few sessions of your workout, everything else starts to fall apart too?
For me, my keystone habit is my spiritual practices. When I start to get "too busy" to make time for church, prayer and meditation, I start to feel the effects immediately. It is essential for me to maintain my spirituality through habits of gratitude, prayer, fasting and giving.
I also know this is true because when I fall of track - I start to have a lot more negative thoughts than normal. I slip-up and instead of acknowledging it, taking note of what I could have done better and moving on, I end up stressing myself out about it. And once the self-shame cycle begins, its only a matter of time before I start messing up something else and using it as an excuse to give up. However, when my spiritual practice is pretty strong and consistent, I have a clearer head and my reactions are a lot less extreme. I can see solutions clearer because I don't have negative thoughts clouding my judgement.
I encourage you to take note of what your keystone habits are - or what events can trigger you falling of track. This will help you stay a lot more prepared for stressful situations because if you find yourself short on time, you can chose to sacrifice the less important habits and stick to your keystone ones.
Apologizing
Often, the reason why it can be hard to recover from a mistake is the shame and guilt that follows it. Especially if its something that has resulted in me letting some one down or affecting them in some way (like forgetting about a date or commitment), I feel so awful that I can't even do anything else without thinking about it.
An easy way to immediately get closure is to make a sincere apology. Make a phone call, surprise them in person, go to their office and let them know how sorry you are. If there's any way you can make up for it, take advantage of that too. Knowing that the person knows you're sorry and doesn't think any less of you for your mistake will always make you feel better. Not only that, it allows you to be more forgiving to yourself as well - which is just as important! If you're going to move on from a mistake and grow from it, you have to be able to forgive yourself and acknowledge that you are not a bad person for what you did.
Apologizing is also a great way to claim accountability. If I'm going about my week and something happens, sometimes all I want to do is try to forget about it and move on - but that usually turns into false optimism and ends up making me feel worse later.
In short, apologies are a great way to take out the fire as soon as it starts, claim accountability and forgiveness for yourself.
Talking it out
Besides apologizing, telling someone that you messed up and are struggling is another great way to hit the restart button. Like I mentioned earlier, talking out my problems with Hayden was one of the things that helped me most in getting a clearer head. Other people can see situations with a different perspective and inspire you with a new way to tackle your problems.
Even though I always feel better after, for me this is often the hardest one to do. I like being positive and spreading good energy. I struggle with letting people know when I'm not feeling my best because I don't want my problems to be a burden on them too.
However, opening up to people who are close to you helps you strengthen your relationships. If the person understands you and you're opening up in an intentional way (not just complaining but letting them know what's on your heart) it usually turns into a positive conversation anyway and you'll both feel lighter in the end. One way I like to make sure this happens is at the end of the conversation, I ask what our goals are. Saying your goals out loud increases your chances of achieving them for various reasons. It gives you an accountability partner, it motivates you to stay on track and it may even allow you to find someone who shares your goals and can achieve them with you.
Laughing
Growing up, my family always laughed about everything. When I moved away from home for the first time, I noticed that other people did not laugh as much as we did. I could tell it was partly a culture thing: I think Ethiopians are a lot more likely to laugh about an unfortunate incident than Americans… but it was also unique to my family. Every time my mother tried to scold us for something, it would usually end up with someone cracking a joke and all of us laughing about it. Whenever we were sharing- no matter how serious or concerning it was, we found something to laugh about. It was also easier for me to share problems then because I never felt like I was burdening anyone, I was making them laugh.
When I tried to do this in the U.S, it was not always well-received… once or twice I have actually ended up offending someone and having to apologize. But I still wanted to include it here because laughing about my problems has honestly been one of the best skills I learnt from my parents to get through life. Now that I am more culturally-sensitive, I know not to crack jokes when someone is trying to tell me something serious. But when I am the one sharing, it is always with laughter. When I told Hayden that I missed my class because I showed up at the wrong time again, her first instinct was to laugh. This was because the first time it happened and I told her, we had laughed about it. In an earlier conversation I had also told her that I liked to laugh at silly mistakes I made because it often allows me to put it in perspective and realize its not that serious.
I genuinely believe that if you tried, you can find the humor in anything. I promise you that it won't only help you solve your problems, but it will help you live life a little more joyfully. As humans we have a tendency to magnify ourselves and our errors… but the truth is that in the grand scheme of things, our mistakes are not half as important as they think they are. This can be hard to remember in a stressful situation, but laughter always helps.
Switching it up
When it comes to working out or eating healthy or any kind of healthy lifestyle habit - one of the reasons we can fall of track is simply because it becomes monotonous and we get bored. Keep yourself engaged and excited by changing it up once in a while. Try a new recipe, go to a workout class, or switch up your routine. I know it may seem like too much work but it's always worth it in the long run if it helps you stay committed for longer. Change is inevitable and as you grow or experience changes in your schedule, your goals and interests may shift too. It's important to be flexible so that you can always adapt and stay true to what you need.
Planning
One of the things Hayden reminded me of was that planning was key. She said that if she didn't plan, she probably would not have remembered half the things she had to do as well. I am also a huge fan of planning my time and writing to-do-lists, but I noticed that the past week, I have not been doing so consistently because I believed it wasn't a good use of my time.
Planning out your day, or even just writing small reminders down takes 5 minutes but it can save you hours of agonizing.
If this is something you don't do, try it for a week with consistency: use 5 minutes every night to plan out the next day or make a list of what you want to do. You can buy a journal or do it on your phone.
Taking a break
I have said this over and over but I honestly have to remind myself sometimes that breaks are not optional. And when you're planning, you should even be planning your rest times. We are not productivity machines and living like we are will only shorten our lifespan and joy.
Most of the mistakes I make could have easily been avoided by a well planned rest day. This sounds so simple and intuitive but it gets hard to do when I have goals that I get to excited about and focused on. I get tunnel vision and all that matters is reaching my goal.
I forget that most worthy goals with purpose are long term. We need to think of them like running a marathon instead of a fifty meter sprint. It’s the small daily improvements that will contribute to our progress. So it wouldn't hold us back to have a day off to recharge and re-energize. To sleep in, read a book, have a pamper day, invest time in fun hobbies for no reason other than enjoyment. To read more about why I believe rest days are essential, click here.
I treat this blog like a journal sometimes and write way more than I intend to, so here's a quick screenshot of what to do when you "fall of track:"
Assess:
•Why do you feel the way you do? What exactly happened and how did it start? What usually helps when you feel this way?
•Have you spoken to someone about it?
•Have you laughed about it?
•When was the last time you took a break? When can you schedule the next one?
Accountability
•Apologize to yourself and anyone you feel the need to.
•Plan how to get back on track
•Switch up anything in your routine that has not been working for you
Have a wonderful time in the world,
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